A moment of renewal of aspiration

I am also having a moment of silence. I go through a period of quietness or stillness. This is the moment where I have a moment of renewal of aspirations. I empty my mind, my heart to give way to a moment of stillness. Then like a wave, the thoughts become clear. The visions I have of the future comes in like a crystal clear vision of how life should be. There comes to my mind the vision of Dang, a girl that used to live with us twenty-three years ago in the Philippines. The family affair we had with her was born out of compassion and kindness. She was young but she showed us her deepest concerns when the tragedy struck our lives. She helped in the daily care of my young children. Helped through with cooking and keeping us company at night. She lives within the neighborhood and came to live with us. In the morning she would attend her classes in school and commute to the next town. After class she would be arriving and takes care of my toddler and baby.

We went through a lot of construction work and clearing of what was left of the fire. I was in charge of seeing over the construction and did the project management of things. I cooked meals for the carpenters and helped them with the design. Labor was intensive and I had to take charge of buying the materials. The cost of labor was cheap and the materials were at a reasonable price. My mum took care of the babies and manages to rest when Dang arrives. There were two other helpers who washed our clothes, irons them and cleans the house.

The construction work and engineering lasted for three months as we lived in the construction site, the whole family has to adjust to the regimented environment with the carpenters. Money was tight for this sort of emergency so we had to make ends meet. Kirk stopped sending money. With the work going on we had to think where we would get money to pay bills. I went to Auntie Conching in Mangatarem and asked for help. She decided we had to sell the farm land and it must be immediate. It was sold within a week and we used it for the house. We kept afloat and my mum also decided to sell the rights to the farm which was done with the Igorots. Thats how we constructed the house. In between time of selling I experienced being forced to pay immediately by the welders who did the window casings and the aluminum glass windows. It was humiliating for them to call me on the phone and issue threats that they would reclaim the glass panels and also the welder who keeps barking for payment. The delay was not long. Its so degrading to be sucked out for money when you are at the deep end. No one knew that I was having conflict with my husband. Everyone thought I was having an easy life with cash flow and financial support.

The months went on to a year and Dang was still with us. The kids started going to school and bounced back to having normal lives. This is hard to relate. It takes me back to the memories at the hardest point in my life. I am being harassed for divorce from my husband who stopped his remittances when I was in desperate need. He was insisting that I go with him to the UK and bring my two younger kids with me leaving my mum behind. I couldnt do that. He has to wait. After a year, he arrived but he didnt go to Umingan. We stayed for several days in a hotel in Manila. He arranged for my flight with my younger daughter. Then he left.

Ahh…this is insane relieving all the bitter past. But one thing that I am stuck with is Dang. We left for the UK and she was left behind with my mum and youngest son. The day came when my mum and my son had to join us in the UK. That was in February of 2004. She was left behind. The house was entrusted to Ruby and she looked after it for several years.

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